The Freelancer Invasion of Steinvikholm Monastery 2.7.2008

Reportage of the Nordic Freelance Journalist Seminar in Hell, Norway, June 2008

Brought to you by Rusty Snyder, one of the world's most influential reporters.

The Freelancer Invasion of Steinvikholm Monastery

“And this was the most powerful and richest place in Norway…” said Mr. Steinvik, a local historian who really enjoyed speaking. As we looked around us, that seemed a bit hard to believe. We were on an island in the middle of nowhere standing in stone ruins. But back in the merry year of 1525, Archbishop Olav Engelbrektsson built the strongest fortification in Norway by using up all the country’s taxes (a tradition Nordic politicians still continue today). He defended this area until 1537 when the Danish took over Norway by offering smörgåsbord meals to everybody at reduced prices.
Anyway, while absorbing essential bits of Norwegian history, we felt the fresh breeze blowing from the nearby sea. We basked in the gentle Norwegian sun. And we peed in Norwegian bushes… because we were drinking lots of Norwegian beer.
Later on, a charming, young woman appeared in a medieval costume. With a powerful but serene voice, she belted out a couple of Arias, which was either meant as a greeting to the Nordic Freelancers, or an advertisement for the Monastery’s summer opera festival.
Next on the program: feasting time! We went into a cozy place that may have been a former torture chamber, and had some picnic style eats. Don’t ask me what the dishes were, it was too dark. But the food tasted good, so most of us followed the old Nordic tradition of eating way too much.
After letting the food digest and drinking lots of liquid courage, we were ready to play a fair game of slåball...which for some reason the hosts always win. Anyway, it was good to get a little healthy exercise to balance out all the other unhealthy activity.

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The main object of the excursion was to set the mood for that all important activity: networking. It gave us the opportunity to discuss our jobs, marketing, negotiating contracts, tips for effective interviews, 5 methods to lose 10 kilos, 8 secrets to please your partner in the bedroom...
In any case, everyone was treated to a plethora of ideas, and hopefully something they could take home. We heard how people like us made a living while working at the craft (or should I say art) they love. And we found that there were a good variety of subjects that people managed to write about.
"What do you write about?"
"Animal psychology, rugby and Norwegian tango festivals. And you?
"I write about scandals, celebrity gossip and nuclear physics..."

So, as the sun slowly went down in the sky, the talk quieted down. We turned our attention to the sublime surroundings. The sea, the farms, the old cottages...the cows and bulls having sex. The setting sun bathed these scenes in various shades of yellow, orange, red and violet. It was like we were in a masterpiece painted by one the great artists. This atmosphere brought about great inner peace, and we were able to empty our minds, relax, live in the present, reaching for nirvana...when suddenly we remembered...OH MY GOD, I MISSED THE DEADLINE FOR THE VANHANEN EXPOSÉ! SATANA!